Today was one of those days in Kentucky where we are famous for our wacky weather. It hit 60 degrees I believe, which means sinus colds all around tomorrow after being as low as single digits for the last few weeks.
On the upside my pain was down to a dull roar. It was one of those times where I was scared to do anything because I didn't want to jinx myself and it was Sunday so i mostly hung out on the couch all day and read trashy historical mail order bride romance novels. And think. Lots of thinking.
It's funny the amount of things that can run through your mind on a normal Sunday. Why is the sky blue? Why was I born with brown eyes? Things like that. And...big things like, how to pull of a bank heist...you know...the usual.
I started back on my Cymbalta today and I am preparing for the 5 days of hell as my body adjusts to it again. Today is horrible dry mouth and a bit of moodiness with little appetite. Moving on to tomorrow which will be homicidal tendencies along with all of the above. Let's be honest, if you can make it through the first week without killing anyone, you are golden, and deserve an award. At least an Oreo or something but the kids would smell that and want to eat it.
As usual I am in my office while Princess Threenager is attempting to cry so she doesn't have to go to sleep, and I just returned from trip 4 in to her room. This whole mom thing is a new world at 44, I have to say. I was 28 when my 19 year old was her age and everything is different. People go on "play dates" and they care if you kid is circumcised or not (if it's a boy). Why are they thinking about your kids penis anyway? hmmm? The first question you are asked if your child gets an illness it seems like is if they were breast or bottle fed, like that's going to answer why the kid is sick. As if parenting ins't stressful enough you get all of this added bull shit.
People, I am 44, not 24. I promise, IDGAF what anyone thinks of my parenting style. I wasn't even aware that I was supposed to have a "parenting style".
I have complained about all of that before, I know. But seriously y'all, I thought it would pass, but it hasn't. It just gets worse! Moms get judged daily on everything they do. Nothing is ever good enough in the eyes of another mom, so how are we ever supposed to think that we are good enough ourselves?
I have MASSIVE amounts of guilt that my Lupus keeps me from being the best mom that I can be to any of my kids. I feel like shit more than half the time. I don't feel like or can't get down in the floor or be climbed on. It hurts. Or I'm just too freaking tired to hold my arms up to fix my hair or brush my teeth, much less have a dance party with a pre schooler who has more energy than 10 of me. Now I have to worry about what the other Moms are thinking or saying about all of that other stuff ON TOP of the guilt. Perfect!
